Mind Your Language!
Six Dangerous Mistakes NOT to Make Speaking Spanish
1. Cono - Cone
You’re choosing an ice cream.
‘Un coño de pasas y ron.’ You beg.
The lady behind the counter takes you by surprise and custard pies you with the ice cream. It’s only as you walk away, licking your face, do you click you’d asked for a rum and raison flavoured vagina (coño).
2. WIFI - (pronounced Wiffy)
You’re in a cafe. The waiter arrives.
‘Wiffy?’ He says, pointing at you.
Your first instinct is to twist his nipples for calling you smelly. You refrain though, when you realise he’s simply asking if you need the WIFI.
3. Pollo - Chicken
It’s another scorcher and you’re laying on a BBQ for friends. As the hickory-smoked chicken sizzles away, you’re introduced to a friend’s Spanish amiga.
‘Mi polla huele muy bien.’ You say, boasting about how good your chicken smells. Or did you? Because she just attacked you with a drumstick. You’re soon chided for actually saying your penis (polla) smells very good.
4. Carbón - Charcoal
The smelly penis incident was the second on a peculiar day. Earlier, you were thrown out of the supermarket when trying to buy charcoal.
“Cabrón?” You confidently asked the shop attendant after googling the word.
When the security guard turfed you out, you replayed the moment in your head and realise you’d told the worker he was a w****r.
5. Tapones - Earplugs
Your Spanish neighbours’ music is unbearably loud. You go buy some earplugs.
‘Tampones,’ you plead at the Pharmacy counter.
Returning home with a bagged item you forget to check before leaving, you’re still no better off as you unsuccessfully try jamming tampons in your ears to the tune of the Macarena.
6. Carnet (de conducir) - Driving Licence
Returning from a weekly shop you’re pulled over.
‘Carnet?’ The police officer demands.
Why would he want to see my meat (carné), you wonder? In any case, you do as you’re told and show him. Unimpressed with yours, he then shows off his. Staring it in the face, the penny drops that he wants to see your license not your pollo.